Actual Want-Ads Found On Gumtree

(That may in fact have been placed by yours truly)

I do not want this

Tiger Blam

This is not a typo. I want a tiger that explodes in some way, not Tiger Balm. I do NOT need Tiger Balm, I need Tiger Blam.

This can be a stuffed tiger, a photo of a tiger, or an abstract concept that in some way conjures up a tiger for all who view such a thing. An onomatopoeic tiger will be considered, only if it sounds something like ‘blam’. ‘Boom’, ‘blamp’, ‘blaam’ or ‘blaaam’ will all be considered. I am willing to pay TOP DOLLAR* for this thing.

(*I will draw a picture of a dollar coin wearing a top hat. The coin will be smiling and that hat will be large.)

No fakes please. If you have Tiger Blam I will make it worth your while.

Fond memories.

Nostalgia: Remember this show?

I am looking for the DVD or VHS of a show I used to love as a child. I can’t remember the title, so please bear with me. (I will accept poor-quality tapes and discs).

The show involved a bear called Montanus or Polycarp or maybe Exactotron. This bear was three times the size of the screen, so all you could see was his feet. He would do a different dance each episode and we would copy this in our lounge rooms at home while Mum made us cheese toasties after school.

There was also a talking tree who was DEFINITELY called Aladdin. He would always say ‘not that Aladdin’ and he laughed like a gurgling drain. When he laughed, apples came down and they were filled with soft cheese. There were always kids in the audience and they would eat the cheese-apples. This was why Mum made us cheese toasties to eat along with the show.

There was a river of cheese with a boat captain on a raft. His name was Charon (Karon?), and let the kids over the river for the price of a coin, and there was a cat with three heads on the other side. The cat sang songs about calcium and milk and also the cheese river.

I think it was sponsored by the dairy board. Please help if you know this or something like this show. I hope it was not a dream. I would do the dance I learned from the giant bear in class the next day and they would clap and laugh. It was my favourite childhood memory!

See you (me) soon (now)!

Genuine Time Travel Device

This is a serious scientific experiment.

Is time travel possible? I would like to know. This ad is for me, in the future (you know who you are. You are me in the future). All non-me personnel need not apply.

I would like you (future me) to appear at the place (wink, wink) where I am right now, typing at this computer. Please arrive approximately five seconds after I upload the ad and bring a spare time travel device.

I will trade for a 2013 sports almanac or similar.

No-one delete this ad until time travel is proven. They said this could not be done, but I just did it.

Get In On The Ground Floor!

Note: I recently received this email from an unnamed source. I am a little worried it may be a scam. Please advise.

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I have forwarded YOU this link because you are a person or people! As such, don’t YOU think that YOU might like to own YOUR own legitimately owned BUSINESS? Or a company?! Or companies?!

Exciting! NEW! Paragraphs! Which are this paragraph, which explains to you the EXCITEMENT that overwhelms in an! overwhelming! way! Just look at all these exclamation marks, why don’t you?

WHY DON’T YOU? They aren’t cheap and yet see how liberally! they are scattered across these words like the fiery! rain of God’s own brimstone! sent to destroy all rivals, leaving you standing ALONE! in the rubble!

There can be only ONE! And despite statistics that ONE is YOU!

But don’t take my word for it! WHY WOULD YOU? We barely know each other and I could be some kind of confused liar raised by a team of

INSANE behavioural scientists who taught me KEY words with the opposite definitions! Which would make EVERY day opposite day! Or NONE of them!

Oh no. I have run out of exclamation marks because they cost so much. 

Just kidding!!! I am LITERALLY rolling in exclamation marks right now!!! I wish you could see me! I look like Scrooge McDuck but with punctuation instead of coins in a vault! How will you make SO MUCH MONEY? And type with so much DISREGARD for EASE OF READING?

By getting in on the GROUND FLOOR! This company is in a giant building and I am at the top and I am sending this message via PNEUMATIC TUBE RELAY to the GROUND FLOOR! At the top, I am! 

Join me at the TOP! The BIG-TIME! The BIG TOP!

RUN AWAY and join my CIRCUS of SUCCESS! Circuses have exotic animals but does my office? Tiger-skin rugs may be ILLEGAL. BUT! My NO-RISK pink desk is made of big mink from MINSK!

I dictated that last line five times to my secretary who is a MONKEY BUTLER! We both laughed but not for any reason YOU might think!

Why won’t YOU set a GOAL? Achieve a DREAM? Hire a MONKEY BUTLER?! Then it is the correct time even accounting for daylight SAVINGS to get in on that GROUND FLOOR! of our building which is much like a COMPANY!

My triangular building sure is shaped a lot like a PYRAMID but this is no trick! It is a SCHEME! I’m ALL for it! And we want you to FALL for it too! 

And HOW!

And HOW will you join us? You’ll be saying HOW NOW, CASH COW! The MILK of human kindness COMPELS you to jump on this MONEY CART straight to the CASH FARM! Don’t make this DIFFICULT for yourself. Capuchins REFUSE to use SPELL CHECK and find driving golf carts DIFFICULT!

I hope YOU are SIMPLE and also the method is SIMPLE!

SIMPLY SEND ME LOTS OF MONEY IN AN UNMARKED, UNADDRESSED ENVELOPE!

TIME is MONEY. 

My MONKEY BUTLER and I (TIME is MONKEY!) thank YOU for all the TIME/MONEY/MONKEYS you have into the envelope AND into reading this letter.

This also appeared on Medium.