Actual Want-Ads Found On Gumtree

(That may in fact have been placed by yours truly)

I do not want this

Tiger Blam

This is not a typo. I want a tiger that explodes in some way, not Tiger Balm. I do NOT need Tiger Balm, I need Tiger Blam.

This can be a stuffed tiger, a photo of a tiger, or an abstract concept that in some way conjures up a tiger for all who view such a thing. An onomatopoeic tiger will be considered, only if it sounds something like ‘blam’. ‘Boom’, ‘blamp’, ‘blaam’ or ‘blaaam’ will all be considered. I am willing to pay TOP DOLLAR* for this thing.

(*I will draw a picture of a dollar coin wearing a top hat. The coin will be smiling and that hat will be large.)

No fakes please. If you have Tiger Blam I will make it worth your while.

Fond memories.

Nostalgia: Remember this show?

I am looking for the DVD or VHS of a show I used to love as a child. I can’t remember the title, so please bear with me. (I will accept poor-quality tapes and discs).

The show involved a bear called Montanus or Polycarp or maybe Exactotron. This bear was three times the size of the screen, so all you could see was his feet. He would do a different dance each episode and we would copy this in our lounge rooms at home while Mum made us cheese toasties after school.

There was also a talking tree who was DEFINITELY called Aladdin. He would always say ‘not that Aladdin’ and he laughed like a gurgling drain. When he laughed, apples came down and they were filled with soft cheese. There were always kids in the audience and they would eat the cheese-apples. This was why Mum made us cheese toasties to eat along with the show.

There was a river of cheese with a boat captain on a raft. His name was Charon (Karon?), and let the kids over the river for the price of a coin, and there was a cat with three heads on the other side. The cat sang songs about calcium and milk and also the cheese river.

I think it was sponsored by the dairy board. Please help if you know this or something like this show. I hope it was not a dream. I would do the dance I learned from the giant bear in class the next day and they would clap and laugh. It was my favourite childhood memory!

See you (me) soon (now)!

Genuine Time Travel Device

This is a serious scientific experiment.

Is time travel possible? I would like to know. This ad is for me, in the future (you know who you are. You are me in the future). All non-me personnel need not apply.

I would like you (future me) to appear at the place (wink, wink) where I am right now, typing at this computer. Please arrive approximately five seconds after I upload the ad and bring a spare time travel device.

I will trade for a 2013 sports almanac or similar.

No-one delete this ad until time travel is proven. They said this could not be done, but I just did it.